Carruthers had half a face. He actually had a whole face, but the bottom half was so magnificently beautiful – perfectly dimpled chin with just a hint of stubble, lean lips curling to reveal straight, white teeth, and skin so creamy you could dip strawberries in it – that everybody just forgot what the top half looked like. His forehead (probably quite charming too, if left to its own devices) faded from memory, his nose lost in the glow of that breathtaking zero-point-five of a visage. Not that it bothered Carruthers especially. He just enjoyed being admired.
And admired he was. He was the only man I ever knew to get seedy remarks thrown his way by builders, and Carruthers would wave back at them, generously offering a smile.
How I longed for him to smile at me. Sometimes I thought I loved him more than any of his other admirers. I even knew what colour of his eyes were because, to me, he was more than just a beautiful half of a face. I saw the whole head. But I was like a kid sister to him, so I was left to languish, only dreaming of Carruthers-shaped caresses. Such glories, I think, were never intended for the likes of me, or anyone else, for that matter. He existed on a plane above mere mortals. Nobody could deserve him.
Then Carruthers disappeared, and someone like Carruthers couldn’t just disappear and be completely forgotten. He was too important for that. Suddenly a whole network, his fanbase I suppose, was thrown in disarray, alarmed by the absence of their (or if I’m honest, our) idol.
Before he vanished, Carruthers had needed somewhere to stay for a while, so I was sleeping on my sister’s couch. Sometimes I would return home and sit patiently on the kitchen counter, waiting for him to rise. The mornings didn’t diminish him; his morning breath only amplified my adoration. I would offer him tea, or we would go outside and keep watch over the city. We were voyeurs of office workers, observing their escape from sterile cubicles into the spring air. The breeze was sharp and hurt their delicate skin, but they were feeling, feeling anything, and that was what mattered. We would give them names and families and personality flaws and shiny cars to make up for how they never saw their families and how their personality flaws made them repugnant. Everyone likes a nice car, Carruthers would tell me. He might have just been talking to himself, but I would nod and smile anyway.
(Christ, I was a dope with him.)
But that morning he didn’t rise. My flat was not itself; there was a broken bottle by the sink, and the spilt milk on the floor had hardened. The apartment was cold because the window had been left open for who knows how long. The answering machine was full of missed calls. Gingerly I played them back, and they were all tinged with desperation:
Carruthers, I’ve been waiting here for an hour. Where are you?
Are you coming tonight? I haven’t heard back from you.
Your mobile’s turned off. Everything okay?
I recognised the voices, all people who had loved Carruthers, just like me. And Carruthers had left them all.
I sat down, anxious thoughts coursing through my mind. I blamed myself for not being there, but I had spent the past week nursing my mother’s broken ankle (excuses, excuses). It had been an arduous time for me without Carruthers. I missed how he opened my eyes to the city, telling maybe-true stories about why this hobo was wearing a suit and how that lawyer had track marks up her arm. On my own, I had to face up to the emptiness of my existence. In his presence, I could at least pretend I was someone people wanted to know. But now Carruthers was gone. Something had happened. He wouldn’t have just run away. Carruthers lived on our adoration, he couldn’t bear to give that up, he wouldn’t leave us all. Something had happened to him.
I rubbed my sweaty palms on the sofa, and felt wool against my skin. Pulling a jumper from beneath a cushion, I suddenly knew where to find the answers.
Because, you see, Leo had loved Carruthers too. Maybe more than anyone, even me. He certainly hated Carruthers more. Leo had never been simply a devoted follower like the rest of us, and I thought for a while that Carruthers loved him back. I was probably wrong. Regardless, when they broke up, we all chose to stick with Carruthers, severing our ties with Leo.
He was waiting for me with a friend in the coffee shop, dressed in yellow as usual. He looked exactly the same as when I last saw him, all bones and thick glasses. I approached cautiously, unsure of the reception I would receive. We exchanged polite greetings as I sat down, nervously chewing the inside of my cheeks. I watched Leo’s hands, the creases at the corners of his eyes. Any hint of remorse or fear, I would notice. I had to, for Carruthers’ sake. I smiled at Leo. He didn’t smile back. Was that an admission of guilt, or did he simply not like me? Both were possible. It was very hard to think of an opening line. In my mind, I made a note to read more Raymond Chandler.
“Who’s the little guy?” I asked finally, nodding to the familiar-looking figure in the curly wig sitting on the third chair.
“Oh, that’s Harpo Marx. I let him hang around with me sometimes.”
Harpo nodded amiably and honked a horn at me.
“He doesn’t talk much,” Leo added.
“Good for him…” I said, feeling uneasy. Harpo waggled his eyebrows and made a dumbshow of admiration. It was charming, sure, but I was never comfortable with that kind of thing.
“So what do you want to know?” Leo asked, shaking brown sugar into his coffee. The smell wafted over the table and pinched my nostrils. I never could stand coffee. Carruthers always told me I couldn’t be a city girl without coffee, a fact that always shamed me.
There was a pause. I smiled again. I said the word ‘well’ and then stopped. In truth, I just didn’t know how to broach the subject. Things had ended badly between Leo and Carruthers, and perhaps it was too soon to mention his name. I tried playing innocent.
“What do you mean, ‘what do I want to know’? What’s wrong with a friend coming to see a friend?” It even sounded lame in my head.
His eyes narrowed. “Listen, Myra, I’ve had about twenty phone calls from everyone and their mum worrying about him. I don’t think you’re any different. I only agreed to meet because I wanted a coffee anyway. And I want you to know what I think of you, face to face.”
Harpo tipped his top hat over his eyes and tried to disappear into the background. I felt sorry for the guy. Suddenly I didn’t want to be here either. I watched Leo drum his fingers on the fake marble tabletop. God I hate these tables. The thought occurred to me with sudden aggression. I hate the tables and the uncomfortable chairs, and the teeny tiny espresso cups. I just hate the whole place. The whole world.
“Okay, Leo, I give up. Call me a bitch, call me whatever, get it out of the way then tell me what you know.”
“You’re a bitch. And I don’t know anything.”
“Then you’re a rat.”
His mouth dropped open. “How am I the rat?”
“I know you were with him. You left your jumper on the sofa.” I let that linger in the air for melodramatic aplomb. “And I wouldn’t mind so much,” I added, “except it took me two months to knit it for you. Do you know how hard it is to outline a unicorn in yellow wool? It’s pretty hard, let me tell you.” Leo requested I knit him a jumper after Carruthers announced that I was an expert craftsperson. To save my dignity, I was forced to learn at speed. Carruthers liked that kind of joke the most, although I found it difficult to laugh along.
“So what if I did see him?” he said finally, “I thought there was nothing wrong with ‘a friend seeing a friend’.” There was an edge in his voice.
I softened as his cheeks flushed and he stared into his cup. It was the same expression he’d worn for weeks after he and Carruthers had finished, not that I’d had much contact with him then. I chewed my lip. I had treated Leo so badly. Really rotten.
“I just want to find him,” I said quietly.
Leo stared out of the window for a moment. “Fine,” he said softly, “he called and wanted to see me, so I put on my best clothes and went over. I thought…” He trailed off, smiling bitterly to himself. “I thought he wanted me back.” He couldn’t meet my gaze. It was only then I began to realise how much Carruthers had hurt Leo. Carruthers had never let on. Did he even care? I watched carefully as Leo tried to compose himself. “He only wanted to borrow money. Like always. He said you were out of town so he needed me. I was there maybe ten minutes. I don’t know where he’s gone, or why. Happy now?”
I lowered my head, trying to hide the tears in my eyes. Carruthers had been a bastard, there was no doubt about it, but I cared for him, and I was so certain that Leo would have the answers. Now I was really worried. If Leo wasn’t involved, who was?
When I looked up again, Leo was staring back at me. I was never any good at hiding my feelings. His face relaxed into a look of sympathy, probably the same patronising look I had been giving him for the past few minutes. “Okay, listen. How about I help you out? We could swing by a few of his old hangouts, ask around. I’m sure he’s just…I’m sure he’s somewhere. Nothing to get upset over.”
I felt my blood bubble with guilt. Leo was the nicest guy you’re ever likely to meet, and I had dropped him at Carruthers’ request, just like everybody else. This was probably how Nazism happened. And now he was helping me again, after all that.
“Sure, Leo, I’d appreciate that,” I said, but just for a moment, I caught myself wondering why I was bothering to look for Carruthers at all.
We drifted into the city streets, Harpo tripping merrily behind us. I saw the office workers pass but didn’t pay any attention to them. My mind was clouded with thoughts of Carruthers, but not my usual affectionate dreaming. I was worried about him, but now upset by his behaviour. I was his friend so it was acceptable to exploit my affection, but abusing Leo’s good will was deplorable, even by Carruthers’ standards. I felt my chest tighten. I was determined to admonish him when I found him, but I knew one smile, one seductive sentence, and I would forgive him everything. My devotion was monstrous.
“We could go to see Stevie, I suppose,” Leo said, rousing me from brooding thoughts. “I’m sure he’ll help us if he can. He’s full of good intentions.”
The people who knew Stevie would understand the sarcasm in Leo’s voice. Stevie knew practically everything but how willingly he would offer the information was another matter. He jealously guarded Carruthers from unworthy eyes, as though he wanted to keep him pinned in a glass case like a rare butterfly. Hardly able to hide the reluctance in my voice, I questioned how useful Stevie would be.
Leo sighed. “I know what Stevie’s like, but he’s definitely had contact with Carruthers recently. He was the one who got him my phone number. We don’t have much of a choice. It should be fine as long as we keep him sweet, try not to antagonise him.”
As we advanced towards Stevie’s place, the wind became frenzied, cutting through the narrow streets like a whip. Harpo’s hat was repeatedly blown off his head and danced deep into the labyrinth of concrete ahead. He clambered over us and scampered towards his elusive prize. Every time he replaced it atop his wig, the wind would lift it again and send it soaring further from his grasp. His theatrics led us to an old apartment building, russet bricks radiating among the industrial greys that surrounded it.
“Stevie’s place,” Leo said as we climbed the steps and rang the bell, Harpo holding his hat tightly over his ears with both hands.
Stevie announced on the intercom that he would be meeting us downstairs rather than buzzing us in, ‘just to be sure’. He answered the door with a skittish look up and down the alley before letting us in. Stevie wasn’t how I remembered him. He seemed smaller and more nervous. He wore an old suit, stained by food and lazy living, and he kept scratching at a blotchy rash on his neck. He ignored our attempts at small talk and ushered us up flights of stairs towards the top of the building, where mould crept with determination up the walls, as though chasing the sunlight that peeked through Venetian blinds.
He swung open the living room door with pride. The room had no windows and was poorly lit by a lamp with a stained glass shade, sending colours spiralling across the wallpaper. Every free space was filled with TVs with cracked screens, figurines of chipped porcelain, and wine bottles from every restaurant in the city, some with the stumps of candles remaining. Harpo immediately leapt in, examining the little statues and shaking the wine bottles, presumably hoping for a full one.
“Stuart not here?” Leo asked politely, stepping inside, “I thought he always stayed in. He says it’s a sin that he has to leave the house at all.”
Stevie snorted in disgust. “Not anymore, he’s out with Molly. And don’t even get me started on Molly. Do you know she thinks Nixon was misunderstood? Nixon! Turns out that she hasn’t a clue what Watergate was all about. Stupid girl.”
It felt like the tirade was pouring from his lips was exploding in the atmosphere around us. Frightened to interrupt for fear of offending him, I looked at Leo, and he shook his head. We didn’t really want to waste time on this. Stevie’s mind was built for tirades, and once he began, it was hard to break his focus. Leo coughed loudly, to divert Stevie from his vitriol. “Yes, well,” he began, talking over him, “the thing is, we’re looking for someone.”
Stevie looked solemnly at the worn rug and picked at the stains on his cuff. “Nobody ever comes just to say hello anymore.”
“Have you seen Carruthers?”
“Not for ages. I haven’t seen anyone for ages.”
Leo exhaled loudly through his teeth, his face twitching with frustration. “He’s gone missing,” he explained, hoping to provoke a reaction. Stevie stared at him with cold bravado.
“Good,” he said.
He turned and noticed Harpo’s antics behind him, stuffing his coat full of Stevie’s meagre treasures. He slapped Harpo’s hands away from the figurines. “Could you please keep that idiot away from my stuff?” he cried, grabbing a statue that was sticking out from Harpo’s pockets.
“He’s just messing around,” Leo said, “he’ll give them back”.
“Well, I don’t like it,” said Stevie, glowering. Harpo shrugged and emptied his coat, before honking his horn loudly into Stevie’s ear. Stevie raised one skinny hand with menace, causing Harpo to burst into a mime of mocking laughter.
I tried to make conversation before any real violence broke out. “Isn’t it a bit late to celebrate Christmas?” I asked, pointing at the shabby-looking fir tree propped in the corner.
“That’s not a Christmas tree, it’s an ornamental evergreen display,” Stevie replied wearily.
“But it’s got fairy lights and little decorations on it,” I said.
“You just don’t understand anything about art,” he said, before turning back to Leo. “Listen, I don’t want to think about Carruthers. He said he’d take me out for my birthday, and he never turned up. Stuart said he saw him at that dance discotheque place he used to go to. Apparently he’s been going all the time these days, not that I’ve ever been invited. Anyway, what’s going on between you two? He was looking for you last week. I thought you hated him. I thought you hated her too,” he added, nodding at me, “but I suppose no one tells me anything these days.”
Leo glanced at me. “I don’t hate her,” he said quietly. I looked towards Leo with a shy smile, but his face was creased with sadness, not affection. “Anyway,” he said, “we’d better go.”
Stevie’s suddenly distraught expression surprised me. “Don’t you want to stay for a drink? Coffee? Anything?”
Leo’s hand was already on the door handle. “Sorry, we’ve got stuff to do. Thanks for your help, Stevie.”
“You’re welcome,” Stevie said. There was a hollowness in his voice that rang through the thin walls of the room. Mean as he seemed, Stevie didn’t want to be left alone in the city any more than I did.
We sat morosely on a bench, watching pigeons scouring the ground for food. I counted the toes on their feet, looking for the battle-scarred freaks among them.
Leo sniffed. “I don’t know why he lives like that. It’s horrible.”
I concentrated on the pigeons. One scuttled into my eyeline, balding with one toe on its left foot. I imagined it to be an ancient warrior, deformed by combat but still filled with a dignified strength. I was wrong. It walked too slowly to reach food before the others spotted it, and instead limped unfed around the square. I wondered if it was worth surviving like that.
“Stuart says he’s wanted to move out for ages, but doesn’t want to leave Stevie alone there. He’s not been well. Besides, they’re basically the only ones in the building, apart from a few old women on the ground floor.” Leo continued.
“Stevie’s a tool,” I said quietly, not really meaning it.
“I know he’s hard to deal with, but he’s just lonely. Everyone he knows has moved on, off finding new friends, or else they’re living in the suburbs with their families. Starting new lives. And he’s practically the only one left. It’s not good, being so lonely. It sort of drives you crazy.”
Leo was looking at me, but I couldn’t meet his eye. I watched the shadows fade as the sun went behind the clouds, and chewed my thumb. I didn’t want to imagine anybody living in that dump, waiting around for Carruthers to call them. Not Stevie, and certainly not Leo. I felt ill.
“I don’t know what to say, Leo,” I admitted.
He glared at me. “I’m not reaching out to you. I don’t need your sympathy.” His sudden aggression upset me. I tried to hide my quavering voice.
“Well, why are you being so nice to me? Trying to teach me a lesson?”
Harpo stood beside us, noisily eating a sausage he had swiped from a hotdog vendor. I felt my anger subside as the rage faded from Leo’s eyes. He stared at his feet.
“It’s frightening when he suddenly disappears from your life, isn’t it? Remember, I know what it’s like. Everyone loves him.” He paused for a moment, watching me. “No, it’s more than that. Everyone needs him. He makes it easier to survive the world. I felt like that for a while. But then he left and I had to face up to all the horrors of real life, alone. And it wasn’t easy. I don’t want anyone going through that. He just doesn’t know what he does to people.”
I shuddered. Every reminder of Leo’s good nature made my head throb painfully, especially when being nice was making him miserable. I didn’t mean to dredge up bad memories for him. I hadn’t meant for anything really, I just wanted to find Carruthers, but I still wasn’t sure why. The more I learned about Carruthers’ behaviour, the worse I felt. It was shame, I think. To love somebody so much, but know that they were poisonous. I had thought Carruthers infallible in his beauty. The truth was hard to bear. I think it was harder because it was so believable. I didn’t doubt Leo’s words for a second, and I knew Stevie’s desperation was no performance. They weren’t trying to incriminate Carruthers. They didn’t need to. That was just how it was.
Having lapsed into silence, we watched Harpo inch closer to a man selling balloons. He waved at us, then honked his horn behind the balloon seller. The man turned, startled by the noise, as Harpo pulled a pair of scissors from his coat and cut the strings he held in his hand. Dozens of balloons went spiralling into the air, catching the sunlight as they floated higher and higher above the tower blocks, making a break for the blue sky above.
Not that Harpo had time to admire his handiwork, as he was busy being throttled by the balloon seller. We grabbed him and ran for our lives, bursting through the crowded streets. My head thumped with exhaustion, empty except for the look on the vendor’s face and the sight of the balloons escaping into the air.
But adrenaline faded, my breathing calmed, and we stood in the streets again. My mind was laced with bitter thoughts, anger at Carruthers’ cruelty, or maybe frustration at myself for being blindly devoted to him. I trailed my fingers along the rough brick walls as my eyes bristled with tears, trying to let the burning sensation distract me.
We made our way towards the bar Stevie had mentioned, but my heart was barely in it. Leo led us down a side street where graffiti streaked the walls and the buildings seemed to close in on top of us. Harpo trailed behind, reading the tags. I knew he was practically illiterate, coming from the slums of New York in the 1900s, but at least he was trying. I found it increasingly difficult to watch him, with the mercurial energy of his pantomime tinged with melancholy.
Noticing my curious looks towards Harpo, Leo explained. “He seems really down. I suppose I would be too. All his brothers are dead, unless they’re following some other schmuck around town. I don’t have the heart to tell him to get lost. I don’t think he has anywhere else to go. And it’s nice to have someone who’s always going to be there, when everyone else leaves you.” He peeked at the figure behind us. “Besides, Harpo always was my favourite, even if hardly anyone else liked him.”
I looked back to Harpo again. He honked his horn, giving me a huge smile.
Leo stopped under a large neon sign, announcing Danse Electrobop! bar and discotheque. I said the name aloud, for Harpo’s benefit. It seemed exactly the kind of establishment that appealed to Carruthers, its classless surroundings ensuring that he was the centre of attention.
Leo stared at the sign for a long time. “He comes here all the time,” he said quietly, “the staff know him, they’ll be able to tell us something.”
We pushed open the door, and the smoke burned my eyes. It was decorated with fake plastic trees and prints of dumpy nudes in unusual positions. It looked, as I had expected, like some kind of 1980s crack den. The barman glanced away from the mirror behind the bar long enough to notice and then ignore us.
I led the way towards him, my feet sticking to the carpet as we walked. Leo trailed behind while Harpo scampered off, excited by the self-service salad bar. Within seconds he was decorating his top hat with lettuce leaves. The whiff of fake tan and sambuca was overpowering, and left me wishing for the stench of the coffeehouse. “Hey there,” I said quietly. The barman, distracted from grooming his reflection, wandered over to us, still fiddling with his hair.
“Get him out of there,” he said, pointing over at Harpo.
“He’s not doing any harm,” Leo said.
“We’re trying to run a nice place here, we don’t need his sort bothering our clients,” the barman growled, gesturing at the empty room.
“We just want to ask something,” I pleaded.
I looked to Leo, desperate for him to take control, but he was too distant, staring into the dark corners of the room. “Well,” I began, “do you know somebody called Carruthers? Tall, very charismatic. Half a face?”
The barman’s eyes flashed with recognition. “Oh yeah, cool guy, nice shirts. Haven’t seen him in a while, but I’ve been away. Travelling. India. Finding myself.” He spoke with a smug curl of the lip, as though his exploits would impress me. I didn’t find him any more spiritual than when I first noticed his ‘Kiss me quick (arrow pointing to crotch)’ t-shirt.
“Is there anyone who has been working recently?” Leo asked, paying attention.
The barman nodded towards a door. “Ask Gary in the pool room.”
Leo turned pale, and he hesitated, chewing his lip. “Is there anyone else we can talk to?”
The barman raised his hands dismissively. “Look, buddy, he’s been covering all my shifts. If Carruthers has been in this week, he’d know.”
Leo stared anxiously at the door. “I’ll go, if you want,” I offered, confused. He shook his head and marched off.
I sat on a barstool and picked at the holes where the velvet had rubbed away. Harpo, tired of vegetarian distractions, skipped over to join me.
The barman watched him carefully. “Hey, you look just like one of those Marx brothers. Wasn’t a big fan of them, myself…except for Groucho. He was real funny. And that, uh, Chico fella. Neat, cool stuff. And – Zeppo, was it? - he could really sing. But the rest of them…” he shrugged with a grimace of distaste. “Not for me.”
Harpo shrunk behind me and I felt a pang of pity. I wanted to admonish the bartender, but I didn’t have the words. People like him throw their opinions about and don’t care how they affect others. He didn’t even notice how he had made Harpo feel. He reminded me of Carruthers.
I remembered how brutal Carruthers could be, making me the punchline to his jokes, or remarking cruelly on my appearance. Sometimes he didn’t even know he was doing it. I thought of nights on my sister’s sofa, where I couldn’t delude myself into thinking he made me special. Instead I lay waiting for dreams to envelop me and let me forget my meaningless existence. And I always forgave him because I thought I needed him. I was furious at myself. I hadn’t seen him for days and still I let Carruthers cast shadows over my life.
I heard doors slam and Leo appeared beside us, simmering with rage. “Let’s go,” he said, charging out without waiting for us to follow. I hurried after him, avoiding the barman’s eye. Harpo trotted behind, struggling to keep up.
“So what did that Gary guy say?” I asked tentatively, trying to catch up with Leo as he stormed down the alley.
He turned, scowling at us. “Carruthers came in Tuesday night after my visit. Practically bought the whole bar, then they kicked him out drunk. There’s your answer.”
He began to walk away. I called after him weakly. “What’s wrong?”
His face softened as he saw the concern on our faces. “Look, it’s just that…Gary’s the reason Carruthers and I broke up. They were sleeping together.”
“I know,” I said, suddenly remembering. Carruthers had told everybody about it. It hadn’t seemed important. I felt dizzy with the endless list of regrets streaming into my memory. I had been as bad as Carruthers.
Leo sighed and leant against a rain-soaked wall. “Seeing Gary again…having him remind me who he was, like I’d forget…They’re memories I’d rather not drag up again.”
I nodded. I wasn’t angry anymore, just exhausted. The thought of Carruthers and the effect he had on me was frightening. I didn’t want to be his adoring follower. I didn’t idolise him anymore.
“I’m so sorry, Leo. I’m sorry for dragging you into this. When I think of all the pain he caused…it’s not fair. We’re good people. We’re not terrific, but we’re okay. We don’t deserve to crack up like Stevie, our lives shouldn’t depend on his approval -”
“My life doesn’t depend on his approval,” Leo interrupted, sounding offended.
I looked at him. “Then why did you go when he called? And when he asked you for money, you gave it to him, didn’t you?” Leo cast his eyes to the ground, ashamed. “I would have done the same,” I added quietly. We sat in silence, watching Harpo trace his finger along the graffiti on the wall, following the contours of letters and shapes.
Leo coughed softly. “It’ll be dark soon.”
“It’s okay,” I said, “I don’t want to find him anymore. All he ever did was drink and ask for money, and make me feel like nothing. Life is better without Carruthers.”
I had raised my voice, making the last statement sound like a question. I needed an answer. “Yeah,” he said, “it is.” He didn’t mean it but he had to say something.
We separated under a streetlight, its beam casting an orange glow across the pavement. I drifted home, feeling light and airy. It was strangely cathartic, letting go of Carruthers. I had always thought of him as my anchor, but now that weight had been cast off. It was like I was floating alone, with nothing to connect me the city below. From my apartment window, I gazed out over the tower blocks. The city looked more unfamiliar than ever before, and all the better for it. I knew one day I would learn its stories again. I would learn them for myself.
They pulled his body out of the water on a Tuesday, his beautiful half-a-face ravaged by a murky grave. An accident, the paper said, drunk falls into canal. No photographs, no sensationalism, no suspicion of foul play. It was on page eleven. Something more important was the headline. Carruthers would have hated it. He felt destined to go out in a blaze of glory, but I suppose in the end, nobody gets to choose.
I sat on my sofa with Leo and Harpo, not mentioning his name. I tried not to care about his fate, but old habits take time to die away. Harpo pasted a smile on his face as he swapped hats with Leo, occasionally speaking to us in a real Noo Yawk accent. I laughed at his stunts but wondered what the stage the funeral was at. Eulogies, sycophantic in their heartache? Disinterested blessings from the vicar as the coffin was lowered into the grave? The fanclub throwing roses and lilies, tears streaking their faces? They would mourn for eternity, always the lovers that Carruthers left behind.
But we, we would be ourselves.